Sometimes people looking in from the outside may not realize the herculean effort it takes to parent a child with a mental illness. Somedays it feels like it takes all of our strength just to breathe, and other days, we struggle with keeping our own temper under control while being under verbal assault. Unfortunately, we have a tendency to judge ourselves by the opinions of others and not by our own knowledge of how hard we work to get it all right.
I know for myself I was no longer the mom I set out to be. Not that I was perfect beforehand, but this really challenged my self-control. I learned so much as time went on, but you can’t go back and change it. We can only learn and go forward armed with this new knowledge. There are many situations that I was less than helpful, but there are many where I said and did what I believe was the right thing.
Sometimes, I still look back and wish to be able to begin again. I think well if I had done such and such this would have never happened. But the thing is even if I could go back armed with the information I have now, I know I would make mistakes. And I know this because I am still human and no matter how much education or support I am equipped with that will never change.
My son will be 19 in just a few days. He has come so far and so have I. But you know what? We still have moments of conflict. It is never quite like before, but it still happens. I guess my point is that even when you know better you are going to make mistakes. Make room for grace in your life for yourself and your child. We can only strive to be our best selves as much as is humanly possible.
And for those looking in from the outside, please know that under the same situation with the same life experience and the same DNA only by the grace of God would you not be the same.
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Published by Parenting For Good Mental Health
Hello,
My name is Tricia. I am the proud mom of two amazing young men.
My youngest son was always a very energetic and highly reactive child. Life with him was often like a roller coaster ride. He had to work very hard to learn how to manage his emotions and behaviors. By the time he turned 10, he had learned to manage them fairly well. But one night while watching the movie The Mummy, his anxiety was triggered. Night after night, he just could not get the scary images out of his head. This went on for almost a year where he would cry in bed at night. Nothing we tried seemed to help. So we decided to take him to see a psychiatrist where he was diagnosed with an anxiety disorder, depression, OCD, and bipolar disorder.
Unfortunately, the care and medications that he received from various professionals did not really help. By educating myself, I began to learn that there were many more options that had not been provided or suggested. I believe that had I had more information sooner; his care could have been better tailored to his needs. This was a very difficult time not only for my son but for our entire family. We had to develop new ways of interacting that did not cause fights over the littlest things. We had to learn the hard way what not to do in a crisis. My husband had to learn that you don’t have to have a reason to be depressed or anxious. Sometimes you just are. And that it is not helpful to say to a depressed person, that they have no reason to be depressed. Having never experienced these feelings himself, my husband really struggled with understanding these things. But now that he gets it, he wishes he would have understood sooner so he could have been more supportive to our son in the beginning.
Thankfully, our son has found his own way through the darkness. And he has developed some skills and tools for managing his mental illness. His path could have been easier and less painful for him had we known about these other options sooner.
As parents and caregivers we need to educate ourselves on their illnesses and the evidence based care options that are out there. We have a limited number of clinicians that treat children and teens, so we sometimes only get to see them once a month. What kind of impact do you think you could have on your child if you only saw him once a month? We need to bring as much to the table as possible. The clinicians can only work with the information they are given. The more you can tell them the better they will be able to tailor your child’s care to his needs. We also need to know how to be the parents our child needs because what works for other kids does not always work for ours.
I would like to help educate others so that their path to recovery might be made shorter. There is a lot of support out there, but sometimes we do not hear about it. NAMI is the first support that I will recommend.
NAMI the National Alliance on Mental Illness is the largest grassroots mental health organization in America. Through NAMI you will find support and education that can help you to better facilitate the care your child needs. https://www.nami.org/
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