School Refusal…Now What?

Does your child struggle with school refusal? Many kids and teens with a mental illness struggle with getting themselves to school. Lots of homes are full of yelling and/or cajoling each weekday morning. Parents are afraid for their child’s future if they do not receive an education and sometimes of the legal penalties involved in a child being considered truant. This is an enormous problem for all involved. The child doesn’t feel understood and the parent feels completely at a loss for how to make it better.

You also worry about whether it really is too much for them right now. And in some cases it really is. With all the bullying going on in schools, it is excruciatingly difficult for a child already struggling with depression or anxiety or any of the other mental illness’.

So how do you know? Unfortunately, I really don’t have an answer for that. This is something that you and your support team and their mental health team will have to discuss. Sometimes they do need a mental health day, and sometimes they need a push so that they can build their tolerance for managing uncomfortable situations. You will have to be the judge. Also if you truly believe that school is too much for them right now, there are other options. You can make it part of their IEP or 504 plans for partial days if all are in agreement that is. Or you can pull them and allow them to be homeschooled but make sure to involve them in extracurricular activities so they are building up that tolerance.

Some school districts have computer programs that the child can do from home and still be accredited through the school system and continue to receive their support services. These programs are often subpar so you may want to add in some additional learning experiences of your own. Or if you are comfortable you can purchase your own curriculum. Depending on your state, it may be as simple as putting in writing your intent to withdraw your child and begin homeschooling. But some states will require you to register and provide reports and testing throughout the year. You can check the laws of your state at https://www.hslda.org/laws/.

Now, what if you decide that your kid really does need to go to school? One of the struggles many of us have had is when our children no longer accept us as an authority figure. Many parents are unaware of the influence that they still have over their child even when they are being defiant and willing to take things further than we ever imagined. Many children will go to great lengths to get us to back off. I know these things were true for my family. When you can no longer “make” them do it. What are you going to do when they walk out that door instead of taking their grounding? It is time to get creative and time to make a list of what is a necessity and what is a privilege. Sometimes we think of their phones as necessities but in our day we managed without them and do you really know where a defiant child is if they don’t want you too anyway? This one was hard for me but had I utilized it sooner, I believe it would have worked. What about clothes? Well, they have to have what is reasonable for the weather but think bare essentials and Goodwill. TV, WiFi the list goes on. They can do their report by staying after school or going to the library. You get the idea. Inconvenience yourself now to stop the power struggles in the future.

As always, you will find some resources on ideas to help your child get their education and help you regain some of your authority. Please take everything here with a grain of salt. Always use your own judgment because you know your child best. Have question or advice? Please comment below.

https://www.healthyplace.com/parenting/anxiety/tips-for-parents-of-students-with-school-refusal/

https://childmind.org/article/when-kids-refuse-to-go-to-school/

http://www.aacap.org/AACAP/Families_and_Youth/Facts_for_Families/FFF-Guide/Children-Who-Wont-Go-To-School-(Separation-Anxiety)-007.aspx

https://www.kidsmatter.edu.au/sites/default/files/public/SchoolRefusalInformationSheet.pdf

https://www.adavic.org.au/PG-personal-stories-school-refusal-or-social-phobia-a-mother-s-story-.aspx

http://www.confessionsofahomeschooler.com/blog/2013/10/homeschooling-101-choosing-curriculum.html

https://www.thehomeschoolmom.com/homeschool-help/getting-started-homeschooling/

https://www.amazon.com/Parenting-Your-Out-Control-Teenager/dp/0312303017

Transforming the Difficult Child https://childrenssuccessfoundation.com/nha-bookstore/page/3/

Category: Child/Adolescent Mental Health, Home Schooling, Mental Illness, Parenting

Published by Parenting For Good Mental Health

Hello, My name is Tricia. I am the proud mom of two amazing young men. My youngest son was always a very energetic and highly reactive child. Life with him was often like a roller coaster ride. He had to work very hard to learn how to manage his emotions and behaviors. By the time he turned 10, he had learned to manage them fairly well. But one night while watching the movie The Mummy, his anxiety was triggered. Night after night, he just could not get the scary images out of his head. This went on for almost a year where he would cry in bed at night. Nothing we tried seemed to help. So we decided to take him to see a psychiatrist where he was diagnosed with an anxiety disorder, depression, OCD, and bipolar disorder. Unfortunately, the care and medications that he received from various professionals did not really help. By educating myself, I began to learn that there were many more options that had not been provided or suggested. I believe that had I had more information sooner; his care could have been better tailored to his needs. This was a very difficult time not only for my son but for our entire family. We had to develop new ways of interacting that did not cause fights over the littlest things. We had to learn the hard way what not to do in a crisis. My husband had to learn that you don’t have to have a reason to be depressed or anxious. Sometimes you just are. And that it is not helpful to say to a depressed person, that they have no reason to be depressed. Having never experienced these feelings himself, my husband really struggled with understanding these things. But now that he gets it, he wishes he would have understood sooner so he could have been more supportive to our son in the beginning. Thankfully, our son has found his own way through the darkness. And he has developed some skills and tools for managing his mental illness. His path could have been easier and less painful for him had we known about these other options sooner. As parents and caregivers we need to educate ourselves on their illnesses and the evidence based care options that are out there. We have a limited number of clinicians that treat children and teens, so we sometimes only get to see them once a month. What kind of impact do you think you could have on your child if you only saw him once a month? We need to bring as much to the table as possible. The clinicians can only work with the information they are given. The more you can tell them the better they will be able to tailor your child’s care to his needs. We also need to know how to be the parents our child needs because what works for other kids does not always work for ours. I would like to help educate others so that their path to recovery might be made shorter. There is a lot of support out there, but sometimes we do not hear about it. NAMI is the first support that I will recommend. NAMI the National Alliance on Mental Illness is the largest grassroots mental health organization in America. Through NAMI you will find support and education that can help you to better facilitate the care your child needs. https://www.nami.org/ View all posts by Parenting For Good Mental Health

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