One of my biggest pet peeves is when people judge another person’s parenting skills. There are so many things that go into making us the parents that we are. Sometimes we are trying to do things differently than how we were raised. Sometime despite wanting to do things differently we unknowingly fall into the same patterns. Sometimes we have read and read all the books that we can get our hands on just to be confused by all of the conflicting advice that seems to change from one generation to the next. Sometimes we are just lucky to be able to keep them alive because we are in over our heads with life and with parenting. In none of these situations does judgement help.
I wish that we could set aside the judgement and rally together as parents, as a community, as people. We need to step up and offer encouragement and help if the person needs and wants it. Too often though we sit and gossip never considering the other person’s point of view. Maybe they are doing it just right for their kids, and we don’t have a clue about what we are judging. Or maybe they are struggling and could use a helping hand instead of snarky comments.
Try and put yourself in their shoes or better yet don’t because you probably do not have all the facts to even attempt to step into their shoes. Instead, think of a time or times that you have felt ridiculed and judged and remember what that was like. Remember how unfair it all felt. Remember how hard you struggled to do it all right. Then offer a smile instead of a frown, offer a hand instead of a condemnation, and offer some loving, nonjudgmental advice (when asked for). Give encouragement, give of your time, give of your resources. Give them what they need which may just be your silence. But mostly, please, please do not be that person who tears others down in the hopes of lifting themselves up.
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Published by Parenting For Good Mental Health
Hello,
My name is Tricia. I am the proud mom of two amazing young men.
My youngest son was always a very energetic and highly reactive child. Life with him was often like a roller coaster ride. He had to work very hard to learn how to manage his emotions and behaviors. By the time he turned 10, he had learned to manage them fairly well. But one night while watching the movie The Mummy, his anxiety was triggered. Night after night, he just could not get the scary images out of his head. This went on for almost a year where he would cry in bed at night. Nothing we tried seemed to help. So we decided to take him to see a psychiatrist where he was diagnosed with an anxiety disorder, depression, OCD, and bipolar disorder.
Unfortunately, the care and medications that he received from various professionals did not really help. By educating myself, I began to learn that there were many more options that had not been provided or suggested. I believe that had I had more information sooner; his care could have been better tailored to his needs. This was a very difficult time not only for my son but for our entire family. We had to develop new ways of interacting that did not cause fights over the littlest things. We had to learn the hard way what not to do in a crisis. My husband had to learn that you don’t have to have a reason to be depressed or anxious. Sometimes you just are. And that it is not helpful to say to a depressed person, that they have no reason to be depressed. Having never experienced these feelings himself, my husband really struggled with understanding these things. But now that he gets it, he wishes he would have understood sooner so he could have been more supportive to our son in the beginning.
Thankfully, our son has found his own way through the darkness. And he has developed some skills and tools for managing his mental illness. His path could have been easier and less painful for him had we known about these other options sooner.
As parents and caregivers we need to educate ourselves on their illnesses and the evidence based care options that are out there. We have a limited number of clinicians that treat children and teens, so we sometimes only get to see them once a month. What kind of impact do you think you could have on your child if you only saw him once a month? We need to bring as much to the table as possible. The clinicians can only work with the information they are given. The more you can tell them the better they will be able to tailor your child’s care to his needs. We also need to know how to be the parents our child needs because what works for other kids does not always work for ours.
I would like to help educate others so that their path to recovery might be made shorter. There is a lot of support out there, but sometimes we do not hear about it. NAMI is the first support that I will recommend.
NAMI the National Alliance on Mental Illness is the largest grassroots mental health organization in America. Through NAMI you will find support and education that can help you to better facilitate the care your child needs. https://www.nami.org/
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